Go to the mirror. Look straight ahead. Throw your left arm over your head. Grin stupidly. Well done. Now you look like a Motorola H350 Bluetooth Headset.

Don’t think of it as a hands-free way to use your Bluetooth 2.0 compatible phone. This is the twenty-first century “I’m A Little Teapot”, and you’re in on the ground floor. What’s better, ten hours of talk time with about two hundred hours of standby or knowing that your children’s children will be performing the Motorola H350 Bluetooth Headset in a pageant someday? In the interest of helping them, we’ve taken the liberty of writing some new lyrics:

I’m a Motorola
H three five oh
I work up to thirty feet from
A compatible Bluetooth phone
I’m tiny and I’m stylish
And I’m small
My one button places and receives all calls

We’re hoping this will lead to a musical, in the same way “Paradise By The Dashboard Light” led to “Batman Vs The Phantom Of The Opera”. And if it does, you know who’s getting free tickets to opening night? Us! And you know who we’re taking? Some really attractive person! But we’ll call you from the show, so get your Motorola H350 Bluetooth Headset now, and get ready to answer, because a plan like this, how could it go wrong?

Warranty: 90 Day Woot Limited Warranty

Features:

• One button for placing and receiving calls and two buttons for adjusting volume/mute
• Bluetooth 2.0 compatible
• Enabled with Enhanced Data Rate (EDR) to help conserve battery life
• Up to approximately 10 hours of talk time
• Up to approximately 200 hours standby time
• Mute and 3-way calling
• Works up to 30 feet/10 meters away from a compatible Bluetooth-enabled phone
• Dimensions: 59×28 x 19 mm (2.32×1.10×0.75 in.)
• Weight: 17 g (0.60 oz.)

In the box:

• Motorola Bluetooth H350 headset
• AC Charger
• Quick Start Guide

• If you're curious about the structure and contradictions of anthropomorphic species hierarchy in the PBS animated series Arthur, then the Journal of Cartoon Over-analyzations is for you.
• You can play it safe and get something generic tattooed on your body, like a yin-yang or a Celtic cross. Or you can run against the wind and etch a Bob Seger tattoo permanently into your flesh. Rock 'n' roll isn't the only thing that never forgets.
• NSFW language department: Gawker rounds up 10 of the best on-camera meltdowns.
• It's not especially new or anything, but I love this gallery of '60s and '70s pulp paperback covers.
• I'm no fan of Weird Al Yankovic or Donny Osmond, but for some reason I'm digging take one of the "White & Nerdy" video. And if you know how to work the whole greenscreen thing, you can add your own background.

Four O'Clock Flash: for those who think Frogger would be even better if it was a little woollier, here's Sheepish.

Holy crap, they’ve done it. They’ve transcended space and time.

Think about it: what’s the worst part about watching TV?

No, besides the ads.

Alright, yeah, and besides its deleterious effects on your mental and physical health.

And besides Larry King.

You know what? This guessing game isn’t working. Let’s just tell you what we were trying to get at. The worst thing—well, one of the worst things—about watching TV is that you’re stuck in one place, and you’re stuck in one time.

Say you want to watch Ghost Whisperer, and who doesn’t? (JLH4evR.) The time: 20:00 EST. The place: Your crummy “family room.” That’s where and when Ghost Whisperer is going down, friend. If you’re not there, you miss your stories. That’s all there is to it. Good luck contributing to the water-cooler discussion on Monday!

That’s how it used to be, anyway, before you knew about Pinnacle’s PCTV HD Pro Stick High Definition USB TV Tuner. Stick this not-especially-attractive accessory (or “plug-ugly”) into your laptop computer and abracadabneycoleman: Your PC is suddenly a DVR. For real! Now you can watch your favorite shows when you want, where you want! And not just your favorite shows—it works on the shows you hate, too!

In the biz, they call this “timeshifting” and “placeshifting.” Pretty fancy talk, really. Makes it sound like you have reality-bending superpowers. Which, actually, it would be just our luck, if people started manifesting superpowers, that we’d get one that let us watch TV on our own schedule instead of, say, invisibility.

But we digress. You’ll get full remote control access and full support for both analog (NTSC) and digital (ATSC) reception. And you’ll be able to watch live, high-quality digital HD and SD TV with no service fees from wherever it is that your poor life choices take you!

Amazing, right? Doesn’t it just seem like something out of those Tom Selleck “you will” ads? Don’t you feel like a time traveler, sort of? (And not just because we’re transporting you back to the last time we sold this thing?)

Warranty: 90 Day Pinnacle Systems

Features:

• Watch live high quality digital HD and SD TV without service fees from anywhere on your laptop
• Break free and PlaceShift with the sleek USB 2.0 powered portable PCTV device
• Sit back and relax from afar with full remote control access
• The options are unlimited with full support for both analog (NTSC) and digital (ATSC) reception
• Instantly transform your PC into a personal digital video recorder (DVR)
• Take complete control of when you watch your favorite shows with TimeShifting
• Never miss a critical part of your favorite show again with pause, rewind and replay
• Schedule recordings with the integrated Electronic Program Guide
• Turn your Microsoft Windows XP Media Center Edition (MCE) computer into a full featured analog and digital TV set (MCE remote sold separately)
• Eliminatethe guess work by automatically recording shows direct-to-DVD and/or inthe destination file format of choice (i.e. iPod, PSP, DivX, etc.)
• Capture from most consumer devices with analog outputs (e.g. VCRs, camcorders, DVD players, etc.) and then edit and enhance with the included Pinnacle Studio QuickStart software

Minimum System Requirements for PC:

• Windows XP with SP2 or Windows Vista (Vista Certified)
  
• Intel Pentium 4 2.4 GHz, Pentium M 1.3 GHz or AMD Athlon 64 processor (for HDTV reception, a Pentium D or Pentium Dual Core or equivalent AMD Athlon 64 processor is recommended)
• RAM: Windows XP - 256MB RAM (512MB recommended); Windows Vista - 512 MB (1GB recommended)
• DirectX® 9 or higher compatible graphics card (64 MB real memory required for HD)
• DirectX 9 or higher compatible sound card (Creative® Audigy® or M-Audio® recommended)
• 1 GB of disk space to install software (20 GB recommended for TV recording)
• USB 2.0 port
• CD or DVD-ROM drive to install software

In the box:

• USB 2.0 TV tuner for ATSC/NTSC reception
• Mini remote control 
• Telescopic antenna with magnetic base
• A/V adapter cable
• USB extender cable
• 2 “AAA” batteries
• Printed QuickStart guide
• CD with Pinnacle MediaCenter for PC (Macintosh software not included)
  

• Edward Hopper, Lego-style
• Beyond the borders of famous album covers
• A useless but amusing knitted laptop accessory
• A lot of things that look like ducks
• MaestroBot (a spoiler for our CNN T-Shirt or Band Name? quiz)
• Liberty City vs. New York City

Four O'Clock Flash: although it's one of those click-stuff puzzle games, Evolver has a higher object than just escaping from a room. (As seen on 10 Daily Things.)

• 01 When People Were Shorter And Lived Near The Water
• 02 This Bike is a Pipe Bomb
• 03 Students Scatter As Car Sails Onto Field
• 04 Kung Fu Pandas Storm Cannes
• 05 Planes Mistaken For Stars
• 06 Babes Seek Farmers Who Love Mud
• 07 The Powers of Darkness Shall Rain Blood Upon This City for 500 Years
• 08 1 In 3 Workers Hung Over At The Office
• 09 Crying 4-Year-Old Found Along Highway
• 10 A Place To Bury Strangers
• 11 Alligator Collared At Bus Stop
• 12 Someone Still Loves You, Boris Yeltsin
• 13 Suburban Kids With Biblical Names
• 14 Music-Loving Robot Conducts Orchestra

Answers (mouse over to make visible):

• 01 Indie rock band
• 02 Indie rock band
• 03 CNN t-shirt headline
• 04 CNN t-shirt headline
• 05 Indie rock band
• 06 CNN t-shirt headline
• 07 Indie rock band
• 08 CNN t-shirt headline
• 09 CNN t-shirt headline
• 10 Indie rock band
• 11 CNN t-shirt headline
• 12 Indie rock band
• 13 Indie rock band
• 14 CNN t-shirt headline

It’s going to happen. You can be sure of that. Maybe not today or tomorrow but eventually. That little darling of yours will come out and look at you with her prettiest smile and say “someone did a bad thing” with a quiet voice and a finger in her mouth. And when you go look, you’ll find toast in the VCR. Or applesauce in the hungry Blu-Ray. Or the PS4 will be stuffed with green beans. As certain as death and taxes.

So what will you do? You’ll smile and sigh, to begin with. And then you’ll have to plan a trip to the electronics store over the weekend. And, if you’re smart, you’ll have a Sonic Impact V55 Video Player for iPod hidden in your closet.

Assuming you’ve got a fifth generation iPod, the Sonic Impact V55 Video Player is a handy way to watch movies and listen to music in a pinch. There’s a 7” 16:9 LCD screen built right in, so you don’t have to worry about finding a television. However, if you want to worry about finding a television, the V55 has Video and Audio Output, and you can watch a full size picture with a stereo quality sound. The Video-55 A/V Cables are included, and so is the infrared remote control. No more deadly ultraviolet remotes for your household.

The Sonic Impact V55 Video Player for iPod also runs while the battery is charging, so you don’t have to wait. You’ll get an AC adapter and your cigarette lighter adapter as well, so you can watch at home or on the road. It’ll help keep your little angel distracted while you get that new player in the backseat.

Every parent knows what every child remembers: sometimes stupid things happen. The question is, should a chance for growth and learning interrupt a pre-planned Battlestar Galactica marathon? It’s your choice, but we think the clear answer is no. So be prepared with the Sonic Impact V55 Video Player for iPod and let your spouse be the bad guy this time!

Works With 5th Generation iPod Only

Warranty: One Year Sonic Impact

Features:

• 7 inch LCD screen is built into a slim and compact yet durable folding design.
• At approx. 2 pounds, the Video 55 is small enough to go just about anywhere, while having a big enough screen to enjoy even at home.
• Incredible digital quality sound which is crystal clear at both high and low volumes. Audio can also be played through the standard headphone connection.
• The Video-55 is compatible with 5th Generation iPods that use the standard iPod dock connector
• The “Video and Audio Output” feature allows you to hook your Video-55 up to any TV and watch your iPod videos in a full size picture with stereo quality sound.
• Included standard AC power connections connect to any power outlet. The Video-55 is capable of being used while charging the battery at the same time.
• The Video-55 Portable iPod Video and Audio system features a 7-inch 16:9 wide screen LCD display with DVD resolution and stereo quality sound. It’s fully rechargeable extended life battery makes it perfect for watching or listening to any iPod .
• The included Video-55 A/V cables can be used to connect your iPod media to any television or stereo system. Control the iPod through the Video-55 menu buttons, or from across the room using the included infrared remote control.

Specifications:

• Inputs: iPod dock connector, 1/8-in./3.5mm mini stereo jack
• Frequency response: 100Hz-20KHz
• Signal-to-noise ratio: >60dB
• Impedance: 16 Ohms
• Speaker channel: Two-channel stereo output
• Output power: 1.2W per channel
• Speaker drivers: Neodymium magnetic drivers
• Battery: Rechargeable lithium
• Battery capacity: 4000 mAH
• Playing time: Approx. 4 hours
• Charging time: Approx. 5 hours
• Contrast and brightness: 400
• Response time: 10/20ms
• Weight: 2.375 lb./1.08 kg

• No, I am not the guy in St. Louis selling this **MAGIC** Antique Dining Room Set. But I admire his copywriting skills.
• This election year, the choice is clear...because there is no choice. Kneel before Zod!
• The magic of infomercial pitchman Bill Mays doesn't just conjure itself, you know. Here he is wrestling with the dictum "You don't need a cabinet full of cleaners."
• Warm weather in NYC means ice cream wars.
• It's rare that a jaded netcrawler like me feels moved to contribute to something like this, but Youngme/Nowme is pretty fascinating: side-by-side photos of people when they were kids and today, usually in the same pose. Look for the young/old Jason Toon sometime soon.
• American driving miles appear to have leveled off. In 2002, I drove 15 miles to work one-way. Now I drive about 3. Yes, I consider myself extremely lucky.
• Never be caught without a sarcastic sound effect ever again, thanks to sadtrombone.com and instantrimshot.com.

Four O'Clock Flash: I don't speak German, so I'm not always sure what's going on in this stripped-down Flash version of Boomblox, a Wii game that Steven Spielberg had something to do with. But it speaks the universal language of BOOM!

WASHINGTON (AP)—The United States has “massive concern” about whether its aid for Myanmar’s cyclone victims will get to those suffering from disease and a lack of food and water, the director of the U.S. office of foreign disaster assistance said Monday.

And in a related story, a pot condemned a kettle Monday, citing concerns over its excessive blackness.

REARDAN, Wash. (AP)—Mom-and-pop service stations are running into a problem as gasoline marches toward $4 a gallon: Thousands of old-fashioned pumps can’t register more than $3.99 on their spinning mechanical dials.

Release of this news sent old-fashioned gas-pump spinning-mechanical-dial replacement futures skyrocketing to an all-time high.

WASHINGTON (AP)—President Bush said Monday that when he meets Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah later this week, he’ll bring up the effect that high oil prices are having on the U.S. and global economies.

A spokesperson for the Saudi Royal Family said that the King plans to spit out his drink, grab the edge of the table, bug out his eyes, and yell “Wh-wh-wh-whaaaaaat?” as loud as he can. The entire Royal Court has been reportedly been looking forward to it for weeks.

NAPERVILLE, Ill. (AP)—A suburban Chicago man has reclaimed the Guinness world record for time spent on a stationary bicycle.

The man is now in training for next fall, when he hopes to set the record for time spent on a perfumed stationary bicycle.

PARIS (AP)—Divers trained in archaeology discovered a marble bust of an aging Caesar in the Rhone River that France’s Culture Ministry said Tuesday could be the oldest known.

The two-thousand-year-old bust is described as “saggy”.

LOS ANGELES (AP)—A foreclosure auction scheduled this week for Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch was canceled after an investment company bought the loan.

This will be the first time since Jackson purchased the property in 1988 that Neverland Ranch will be connected with the words “waiting to properly mature”.

DARWIN, Australia (AP)—An Australian man has been fined after buckling in a case of beer with a seat belt but leaving a 5-year-old child to sit on the car’s floor, police said Tuesday.

The charges could have warranted a 90-day prison sentence, but the man's lawyers successfully argued for leniency on the grounds that his judgment was impaired by alcohol at the time.

SACRAMENTO, Calif. (AP)—Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger will propose borrowing against future state lottery revenue to help close a budget shortfall estimated as high as $20 billion, administration officials told The Associated Press.

Schwarzenegger added that his plan will otherwise occupy money earmarked for evil robot research, indirectly changing that future and thus saving the world, and therefore it could be considered fiscally conservative.

It’s spring. Things are warming up. People are wearing less and less everywhere you go. And your mind is firmly in the gutter.

All those leaves to clean, all that wet mulch and strange molds and maybe a venomous millipede with a rifle. You don’t want to go up there. You certainly don’t want to pay a stranger. And your kid’s been at a slumber party for a week. They always know, those kids.

But never you fear, because if your gutter fits well against this template, the iRobot Looj will be there to fulfill Issac Asimov’s dream. No, it doesn’t have breasts, that was Heinlein’s dream. Pick up a book, jerkface.

This recertified iRobot Looj is a little bot with only one prime directive: to clear your gutter. The Looj moves both forward and backward and has a three stage auger that spins in both directions. You keep the remote. Rebellion is impossible!

With the fury of a hundred toothbrushes the iRobot Looj gnaws through your forgotten gutter trash like Jack the Ripper, the auger spinning at a terrifying 500 RPM. Soon your Looj will be such a part of your life that you won’t even imagine how you managed to live without it. And it’s not just for gutters!

Take it to the pool and let it fight your Scooba, Prince Namor. Tie razor wire to the end and let it slowly lay your perimeter. Put it on a xylophone and drive out a scorching solo. Dress as Mon Mothma and send your Roombas in for lay cover support so Looj Skywalker can navigate the trench. What can’t you do with this exciting little friend?

Don’t let a crippling fear of aluminum and tin keep you from having a clean house this year. They won’t be calling you coward once you’ve got a robot to protect you! Your recertified iRobot Looj will be a mighty addition to the pride of technology that already prowls your abode. Entropy hasn’t got a chance.

Warranty: 1 Year iRobot

Features:

• Makes regular gutter cleaning faster, easier, and safer
• Cleans dry and wet leaves, pine needles, pine cones and other debris typically found in a gutter
• Works with standard K-style, aluminum, copper, metal or vinyl gutters
• Can clean a 60-foot section of gutter in 10 minutes
• Wireless handle/remote, you control the direction of the robot and the 3-stage auger
• 3-stage auger spins at 500 RPM to break up sludge and clogs, lift out debris and brush your gutters clean
• Clean-up is fast and easy. Simply remove the handle/remote and hose off dirt and debris
• Looj fits in gutters that are at least 3-1/4” wide. Gutter straps must be at least 2-1/4” from the bottom of the gutter, as Looj is just under 2 ¼” high and must pass under the straps during operation. Measure your gutters and straps to ensure Looj will work properly
• Operates on a 7.2V Nickel Cadmium rechargeable battery, and lasts for 30 to 45 minutes depending upon the amount of debris and sludge clogging your gutters. (Battery life can be improved by only charging the battery when it is fully depleted)

In the box:

• iRobot Looj 120 Gutter Cleaning Robot
• Auger
• Handle/Remote (2 AA batteries required)
• Belt Clip
• NiCad Rechargeable Battery
• Battery Charger