July 30, 1958: Just awoke from a dream. Had to write it down. Was in an office much like my own, but some years in the future, with the addition of several large, unfamiliar machines. I worked with the machines as if I was already familiar with them. The largest was a roughly rectangular apparatus the size of a large stove. The top hinged open, and under it was glass. I placed a document on the glass, pressed a button, and an exact copy of the document came out of a slot on the machine’s side. Another machine sat on top of a desk, the size and shape of a large book. It too had a glass plate under a hinged opening, upon which I placed a sheet of paper, then pressed some buttons. But it didn’t issue a second copy of the paper. I don’t know what it did. The final apparatus had a slot in its top for inserting a document. I somehow knew, as one does in dreams, that an exact copy of the document would then emerge somewhere miles (or even thousands of miles) away.

Suddenly, everything around me shimmered and spun, and I felt myself thrown even further into the future, without moving from my spot in the office. Now the three large machines were gone, replaced by one. I went to it as if it was an old friend. A name popped into my head, unbidden: the HP Officejet Pro L7680 Color All-in-One Printer, Fax, Scanner, Copier. It performed all the same tasks I had carried out on the other machines. Then President Eisenhower appeared, wearing only a loincloth, and hoisting a platter of deep-fried, unidentified cuts of meat. “God made a mistake,” Ike said to me. “Eat the mistake. Eat the mistake.” I turned without thinking and there were my parents, only they were naked and they had tape over their mouths. I could see their thoughts and I knew we were all connected, like an the Ethernet network. I turned back to the president and took his meat in my mouth. I woke up with the first bite.

Must remember to ask Dr. Hewlett what this all means.

Warranty: 1 Year HP

Features:

• Professional quality color, 12ppm black and 10 ppm color in laser quality
• 35 ppm black and 34 ppm color maximum print speed
• Replaceable print heads
• 8.5×14 inch maximum scan size at 2400×4800 dpi
• Reduce or enlarge documents from 25% to 400% from their original size
• Stores up to 125 faxed in memory, even when powered off
• 2.4 inch color display
• Built in Ethernet networking
• Memory card compatibility
• 250 sheet paper tray, 50 sheet automatic document feeder, and automatic two-sided printing
• Scan and store directly to memory devices or network folders with Direct Digital Filing

Specifications:

In the box:

• HP Officejet Pro L7680
• Power Cable
• Ethernet Cable
• Phone Cable
• Duplexer
• Bezel
• Yellow 9ml C9388A Ink Cartridge
• Magenta 9ml C9387A Ink Cartridge
• Cyan 9ml C9386A Ink Cartridge
• Black 20.5ml C9385S Ink Cartridge
• Black/Yellow Print Head C9381A
• Magenta/Cyan Print Head C9382A
• Installation CD

CLICK

” – how many times I gotta tell you cops, I ain’t seen nothing. I was in the back with my Magnavox 37” LCD 720p HDTV the whole time, using that built-in HDTV tuner. And even if I knew who fired the shots, I wouldn’t tell you jack, get me?”

“We were afraid you might say that, Runty. Guess we’ll have to do this the hard way. Boys, call Featherfingers in here. If Runty won’t give us what we need willingly, we’ll have to tickle it out -”

CLICK

” – M-A-G, N-A-V, O-X TV for you and me!”

“Great, kids! Now let’s sing it again! And again! And again!”

“M-A-G, N-A-V, O-X TV for you – ”

CLICK

” – I ain’t that baby’s Daddy, Jerry!”

“You a lie! How you gonna come up here on TV and lie like that?”

“For one thing, I was in the joint for stealing that Magnavox 37” LCD 720p HDTV! And anyway, I’m actually a woman!”

“OOOOH, DAG! WOOOOHOOO!”

CLICK

” – achieve financial independence starting today with the patented Wealth Junkie method, you’ll be a millionaire in less than five minutes. Because these days, who has the patience to get rich quick?”

CLICK

” – there’s the snap…the defense brings the blitz…Magnavox drops back, looks left, fires way downfield…it’s caught for a first down! What a pass! Once again, the Magnavox 37” LCD 720p HDTV is leading an incredible comeback!”

“Absolutely, Steve. And what makes this so amazing is that he doesn’t even have any arms – ”

CLICK

“And if anyone here knows any reason these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your – ”

“Stop the wedding! I can’t let you do this, Sheila! I know you love me, and only me!”

“Magnavox! What are you doing here?”

“I – I couldn’t stay away…Sheila, just look into my 37”, 1366×768 LCD and tell me you don’t love me. If you can, I’ll leave you alone – ”

CLICK

” – fighting for the little guy against the clowns in Washington by passing the Circus Reform Act of 2006. This November, there’s only one hi-def choice at the ballot box, for you, for your family, for America. I’m the Magnavox 37” LCD 720p HDTV, and I approve – ”

CLICK

Warranty: 90 Day Philips

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

• The Dallas Morning News takes you inside the Cellar of Stabbing for an in-depth look at how woots make it to Woot. (Or don't, in this case.) Thanks, DaMN!
• We already told you how a Woot screenshot popped up in the Fox News review of Google's new Chrome browser. Thanks to intrepid wooter SColburn, we now know that cnet also used Woot as an example in one of their pieces on Chrome. Who says Woot isn't good-looking enough to be a supermodel?
• A Consumerist piece on Hurricane Gustav's impact on Woot sales prompted us to do our own, more detailed analysis. The unsurprising conclusion: The Consumerist knows what it's talking about.
• We are honored to be part of the awesome graphic on this page. Oh, and to be one of these bloggers' favorite sites.
• That same cnet writer slips in another Woot/Chrome connection.
• Blogger Anton Olsen tawt he taw a Woot ball.
• Now here's one enthusiastic Woot fan. You may want to turn down the volume on your computer.
• The bigfoot-chasers at Quatch Watch take notice of our Sasquatch shirt.
• What happens when Woot tees meet in the wild? Nothing much, really.
• Finally, our stabs at pre-convention political humor found at least a couple of fans.

As always, huge thanks to every single writer, blogger, and LiveJournaler linked to above. And if you've seen us somewhere unexpected, by all means, share the link.

If you’re one of those number-chasers who pore over our daily product stats, you’re in good company. The popular (and awesome) consumer-rights blog The Consumerist seized on our Woots Per Capita Map to get a quick read on the economic impact of Hurricane Gustav. They noticed Louisiana was much darker on September 2 than it had been on August 2, and concluded that Pelican Staters have better things to do right now than buy cheap SD cards online.

In all seriousness, our sympathies are with anybody displaced by Gustav or the other storms in the Gulf this season. We won’t take your inactivity personally. Some things in life are more important than – yes – even Woot.

But we thought it would be interesting to refine The Consumerists’s quick ‘n’ dirty assessment with a bit more detail. We’ve got all these stats laying around, so we might as well do something with them.

Louisiana represents 1.53% of the U.S. population, and usually a somewhat lower percentage of Woot orders, like its neighbors Mississippi and Alabama. On the day the Consumerist chose for their “before” image, it just so happened that we were selling the Cummins P2400 Onan 2000 Watt Homesite Generator – exactly the kind of thing Louisianans would be stocking up on with storm season coming. That day, Louisiana accounted for 2.51% of Woot sales, well above their usual. More typically, from July 20 to August 30 (that’s 116,584 total sales), 0.94% of purchases came from Louisiana, somewhat below their percentage of the population. That’s why their state is darker than average on this map for July 20 through August 30:

As you can see, they weren’t way up in the rankings to begin with. But in the first five days after the evacuation order was issued on August 31 (45,695 total sales), Louisiana sales plummeted to just 0.32% of all Woot sales, a 66% drop. And Louisiana was plunged figuratively into Woot darkness:

So despite the “generator effect”, The Consumerist’s inital analysis holds up pretty well under a broader examination of sales. And that’s the Gustav story through a glass, wootly. We invite our fellow amateur statisticians out there to share other interesting insights from their armchair Woot analyses (like when we noticed the Confederacy apparently hasn’t quite forgiven Lincoln yet).

“I see our special guest has awoken. Refreshed, I hope?”

“Nefarski, you syphilitic madman. Untie me right now and perhaps Her Majesty won’t turn your hirsute carcass into a rug for her sitting-room.”

“Is this that British politeness I’ve heard so much about? No, I’m afraid I must trouble you to stay for awhile. You see, my people have put so much work into preparing for your arrival, it wouldn’t be fair to them to cut your visit short.”

“You make a lousy cat, Nefarski. And I’ve never been the type the play the role of mouse. What’s your game?”

“Simply this. I understand you have become aware of Operation: White Earbud?”

“Of course. Your insane plot to control the youth of the Free World through sleeper devices marketed as Apple iPods. Dastardly with a capital B.”

“Thank you. I was rather proud of it myself. I will build my private army of the young and the gullible, luring them in with 30GB of storage space, a 2.5”, 320×240 screen, and the ineffable gossamer quality known as ‘cool’ – just as a spider uses honey to catch a fly.”

“Your grasp of entomology is as weak as your disfigured left hand, Nefarski.”

“We all have our crosses to bear. But no matter. The children of the West will be my left hand. Once they have financed my operation through their purchases of iPods and accessories like docking video players with larger screens, I’ll throw the master switch. As one, their minds will open to my brainwaves. Their taut young muscles will leap to do my bidding. Their firm, supple bodies – but enough about that. More germanely to you, I have arranged for you to help me in my humble endeavor.”

“Help you? I’d sooner drink Diet Mountain Dew, you delusional gargoyle.”

“Oh, you will. Let me assure you, you will. But first, you see, while you were unconscious, I administered a serum engineered to completely remove all traces of sales resistance from the subject. In two minutes, at midnight, an iPod Video 30GB will appear on the screen before you. You will not be able to resist purchasing one. Then another. And another. And by the time you stop clicking from sheer exhaustion, you will have drained Her Majesty’s coffers into my own. Rather clever of me, wouldn’t you say?”

“Balderdash. You’ll have to release my hands first. Do you really expect me to waste my time on some annoying deal-a-day web site when the fate of the world hangs in the balance?”

“No, Agent 5G. I expect you to buy.”

Warranty: 90 Day Woot Limited Warranty

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

See, we’re not one of those sites that guard their traffic stats like nuclear secrets. Maybe we’re committed to openness and transparency, or maybe we’re just dumb. But when we notice some interesting trend in Woot’s stats, our first thought isn’t usually “Let us never speak of this again.” We prefer to blather on narcissistically at great length, with copious charts. So here’s the skinny, Fats:

Browsers Used By Woot.com Visitors, August 2008

• Internet Explorer – 48% (70% of that v7 and 30% v6)
• Firefox – 44% (60% of that v3, 40% v2)
• Safari – 7%
• Opera – 1%

No big surprise. We’d expect you guys to skew toward Firefox, because you’ve already demonstrated your forward-thinking, clued-in nature just by being here. For Shirt.Woot, Firefox supremacy is even more pronounced:

Browsers Used By Shirt.Woot Visitors, August 2008

• Firefox – 57%
• Internet Explorer – 33%
• Safari – 8.5%
• Opera – 1.5%

So that’s that. But look what’s happened in just the past few days, since Chrome was released:

Percentage of Woot.com Visitors Using Chrome

• 9/2 – 1.8% (launch day)
• 9/3 – 3.7%
• 9/4 – 3.4% (through 9am or so)

Percentage of Shirt.Woot Visitors Using Chrome

• 9/2 – 1.5%
• 9/3 – 4.3%
• 9/4 – 4.5%

Impressive start for Google’s newest googlet. (Pity poor Opera, back in fifth place.) Will Chrome’s share keep growing? Or will some of the looky-loos crawl back to their old flames? And which browsers are losing users to the hot new thing on the block? We’ll keep an eye on it during September and let you know. And if all this browser talk has you feeling the need to evangelize for your favorite, well, that’s what the “discuss this” link is for.

My tech is Root Cyclone
And my suction is great
I’m asthma friendly cause
I’m a DC One Eight
I’ve got a brush tool and
I can handle your stairs
Aren’t you glad I’m on sale again

Lifetime HEPA filtration
That’s improving the air
Ninety nine point nine seven
Percent of junk’s trapped in there
Zero point three microns
Smaller than that and who cares
Here I am, I’m on sale again

The last time I sold out
Some people came around
They po-po-posted that they hoped that we had more about
I’m here to grant your wish
You ask what’s wrong with this?
My best friend Leslie says “She’s just a bit refurbished!”
Bring me into your house
I will redeem myself
Just want to clean rugs again
Whoa whoa I
So want to be
Your Dyson Slim

I got this crazy pivot
Makes contact at all times
My bin is transparent
To let you look inside
I’ve got a crevice tool
And it stores on my side
Bet someone is glad I’m on sale again

The last time I sold out
Some people came around
They po-po-posted that they hoped that we had more about
I’m here to grant your wish
You ask what’s wrong with this?
My best friend Leslie says “She’s just a bit refurbished!”
Bring me into your house
I will redeem myself
Just want to clean rugs again
Whoa whoa I
So want to be
Your Dyson Slim

My tech is Root Cyclone
And my suction is great

The last time I sold out
Some people came around
They po-po-posted that they hoped that we had more about
I’m here to grant your wish
You ask what’s wrong with this?
My best friend Leslie says “She’s just a bit refubished!”
Bring me into your house
I will redeem myself
Just want to clean rugs again
Whoa whoa I
So want to be
Your Dyson Slim
Whoa whoa I
Just want to be
Your Dyson Slim

Warranty: 6 Month Dyson

Features:

• Suction power – 200 airwatts (constant)
• Root Cyclone Technology – Uses cyclonic separation to remove dirt from the air with out using a filter.
• Lifetime HEPA Filtration – HEPA (High Efficiency Particulate Air) filters can remove 99.97% of airborne particles 0.3 micrometers in diameter. This can trap fine particles such as pollen or other allergens.
• Certified Asthma Friendly – Air expelled from a Dyson DC18 has up to 150 times less mold and bacteria than the air you breathe.
• Central pivot on the cleaner head ensures the head maintains perfect contact with the floor even when the machine is turning.
• Easy Empty Bin – Button controlled system allows for a clean and hygienic way to discard dust and dirt it traps.
• On Board Tool Storage – Brush, stair, and crevice tools store on the machine.
• Brush Bar – Will protect delicate floors and rugs
• Clear Bin – You can see when the bin should be emptied. No need to buy specific vacuum bags.
• Max power input: 11 amps
• Cord length: 25 ft.
• Maximum reach: 41.58 ft.
• Bin capacity: 0.45 gal.
• Height: 43.7 in.
• Width: 12.1 in.
• Depth: 16.3 in.

In the box:

• Dyson DC18 All-Floor Vacuum
• Combination Accessory Tool
• Brush Tool
• Users Manual

LONDON (UPI)—“The Horse Whisperer” author Nicholas Evans reportedly has been hospitalized after eating poisonous mushrooms he picked while on vacation in Scotland.

Horses were willing to comment, but no one was available to understand.

TRURO, England (UPI)—Concern in Britain is high after a woman and her dog tested positive for bovine tuberculosis in Cornwall county, experts say.

Investigators fear this pattern is the long-dreaded sign that points to the return of the werecow.

BLACKPOOL, England (UPI)—Two British magicians who contend the country’s main magic convention is too old-fashioned have angered organizers by setting up an alternative event.

The magicians refuse to give their names in order to protect their families from being locked in a cabinet and sawed in half.

DEL MAR, Calif. (UPI)—An anti-drug activist told an agency overseeing a Del Mar, Calif., fairground she was appalled to see abundant marijuana smoking at a Ziggy Marley concert.

The activist was later surprised to see ham in a deli.

BOULDER, Colo. (UPI)—A biotech firm is teaming with the University of Colorado at Boulder to use pythons as a model for new ways to treat heart disease.

The snakes will be specially trained, then miniaturized and shot into the bloodstream, where they will have just one hour to complete their Impythoble Voyage.

HOSCHTON, Ga. (UPI)—A small town in Georgia claimed Tuesday to have beaten the world record for scarecrows by about 1,500, setting up about as many as there are pe ople in the area.

The town has been overrun by nervous young crows in a foolish attempt to impress the most popular girl in the flock.

JERSEY CITY, N.J. (UPI)—The video game “Bejeweled” helped bring about the weekend wedding of a New Jersey couple.

Unfortunately, this led to tragedy during the photo shoot, when the bride posed next to her mother and both of their rings disappeared.

LOS ANGELES (AP)—A man accused of ramming a car into the Playboy Mansion’s gates twice in a week has pleaded not guilty.

The police report also noted that the suspect enjoyed walks on the beach, candlelit suppers, and was hoping to major in either Theater or Communications.

LOS ANGELES (UPI)—Ukrainian filmmaker Vadim Perelman reportedly is in talks to develop a remake of the 1982 horror classic “Poltergeist.”

To save money on film, the producers have asked Perelman to tape over a documentary about an old Indian burial mound.

“Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice, and I have to ask…is that a Swiss Legend Men’s Stainless Steel Watch you’re wearing?”

“Why yes, it is! How could you tell? Was it the brushed and polished stainless steel band, or the luminous hands and hour markers, or -”

“Let’s just say I have an eye for men of taste and distinction.”

“Oh, that’s me, totally. Look, I’ve got a silver-faced one on my right hand, and a blue-faced one on the left. Take your pick, a-ha-ha-ha-ha.”

“I can tell that you must be very successful.”

“Well, yeah, duh. I just got promoted to overnight lead at the manure warehouse. All four overnight stockers answer to me now. It’s ‘cause I’m the only one who’s on time since I got this Swiss Legend watch. You know it usually costs like three hundred bucks?”

“That’s really terrific. You know, a lady gets thirsty on a hot night like this. Maybe you could buy me a drink.”

“Yeah, sure, I guess. BARTENDER! BARTENDER! CUSTOMER CALLING! HEY, BARTENDER! DOWN HERE! You like Coke or Sprite?”

“Actually, you know what? I’ve got a fully stocked bar in my penthouse condo. And I’m getting a little tired -”

“BARTENDER! THE LADY WANTS A SPRITE! BARTENDER! Look at him. He sees me. He just doesn’t want to come down here. BARTENDER!”

“I say I’m getting a little tired of this crowded bar. Why don’t you and I and your Swiss Legends watch get out of here? We could go back to my place for a drink, or maybe a little something else…?”

“Ooh, hey, do you have cable?”

“Cable? That’s a silly question. See, I was hoping -”

“Well, my Swiss Legend watch says it’s 11:30, and they’re running a marathon of Skating with Celebrities on cable at midnight. I should get home. I’ve got all of the episodes on DVD, but it’s so much better with the commercials and stuff. See ya later. And sorry about the Sprite.”

“Well, here’s my number, in case you get lonely. There’s just something about a Swiss Legend watch man.”

Warranty: 5 Year Swiss Legend

Features:

• Quartz movement with polished stainless steel with luminous hands and hour markers
• Brushed and polished stainless steel
• Push button clasp with date display at 3:00
• Water resistant up to 100 meters
• Screw down crown with mineral crystal

Silver Dial SL-90013-22

• Style: Casual
• Size: Men’s
• Case: Polished stainless steel
• Dial Color: Silver dial with luminous hands and hour markers
• Bracelet: Brushed and polished stainless steel
• Clasp Type: Push button hidden
• Movement: Swiss quartz
• Crystal: Mineral
• Case Diameter: 46 mm
• Case Thickness: 14 mm
• Bracelet Width: 24 mm
• Bracelet Length: 10.5 inches
• Water Resistant: 100 meters
• Crown: Screw-down
• Calendar: Date display at 3:00
• Other: World time hand (GMT)

Metallic Blue SL-90013-33

• Style: Casual
• Size: Men’s
• Case: Polished stainless steel
• Dial Color: Metallic blue dial with luminous hands and hour markers
• Bracelet: Brushed and polished stainless steel
• Clasp Type: Push button hidden
• Movement: Swiss quartz
• Crystal: Mineral
• Case Diameter: 46 mm
• Case Thickness: 14 mm
• Bracelet Width: 24 mm
• Bracelet Length: 10.5 inches
• Water Resistant: 100 meters
• Crown: Screw-down
• Calendar: Date display at 3:00
• Other: World time hand (GMT)